It's pretty bizarre when you realize that you're not as significant to someone as you thought you were. I mean, you think you've made a connection, but then when you're out of sight, you're out of mind. I suppose alot of that has to do with the fact that I am never any place for very long. Then again there are one or two individuals who have managed to hang on...people who remember birthdays, anniversarys, or just bother to drop a line.
I am feeling very disconnected. I am missing that feeling I had during residency when I figured out that I am only as insignificant as I make myself. I really wish I could remember what happened in that group session. I know I was close to tears most of that day. Maybe I need to get that low again. Right now I just feel a little numb, and kind of...angry, I guess.
My relationship with my husband is not all wine and roses. Jane and Mr. Rochester we are not. We are actually more like that Austen couple, the silly wife and the grumpy husband (can't remember their names right now). But I am married, mostly happily, and not out there in that dating pool. I guess that makes me immune to or unable to understand how someone my age can just dump their friends because they have found someone new.
Where is all my steam? A few seconds ago I was really ticked and now I just feel empty and sad. And wondering, again, where I went wrong. How I failed. I tried to be a good friend. I did my best to listen and not judge. Now I just feel sort of...impotent? It's like the nightmares I have where I am pouring my heart out and crying and pleading and the object of the effort just yawns and walks away. ugh. Pathetic.
