Acid

This is the opposite of falling in love. This isn't butterflies...this is swirling, burning, sickening, caustic acid. Why does my mind always come here when he acts this way? I go into survival mode...wondering how much money I can take and how far I can drive before I chicken out and turn back around. I wonder what it will do to my kids...if they will wonder if it is their fault. I wonder what it will do to me? I know that I won't ever want to live with another man. I know that my spirit will just be broken. Even though I know my marriage isn't falling apart because of the church, I am not sure I could keep going...it would just be this constant reminder of how hard I tried to have that kind of marriage and couldn't keep it together. It makes it so much worse when I let down my guard down and whore myself out to him and then he does this. I replay it over and over and over and I don't know exactly where it went wrong. I ask myself what it wrong with my marriage...is he mean, does he beat me? No. Is he lazy, does he refuse to work? No. Does he cheat on me? Not that I know of...if he is he does a really incredible job of hiding it. Maybe it is just that we are both broken. He is so negative...it just drives me crazy. Love covers a multitude of sins...but at what point to agree that we just aren't happy anymore? Was he ever happy? Has he even been happy since he "cleaned" up? I'm done for now...