Have Never Been...But Will Always Be...

I have never been the girl that a guy couldn't stop thinking about. I've never been the one with the prettiest hair, or the nicest clothes, or even the best personality. I've never been the subject of a song, or a love letter, or a painting. No one's ever written my name on a notebook over and over. There's never been a guy who thought "Man, if Nicole would just talk to me today...". I have never been the girl that inspired a guy to date someone just to get close to (not that it's right).I have never been the girl that gets nervously asked to prom by a guy who thought he had any chance of getting turned down. I am not the girl that gets elaborate fairy tale proposals, or romantic gestures "just because". I have always been friends, even best friends, with these girls. Because of my proximity, I know these things really do exist. It's not an unrealistic expectation. Did I just want it too much? Did my longing for adoration and affection drive guys away? Just the fact that it's been such a big deal in my life...I guess I must have reeked of desperation. Daddy Issues....Abandonment issues....whatever....

I have never been the girl who could decide she liked a guy and almost guarantee she would have him in no time. I've always been the one that a guy would show interest in only as a means for physical satisfaction. I've never been the girl who could go to the fair, to the circus, to the beach, to an amusement park, or even Pow Wow Days (AV, old school, stay with me), and come home with a phone number or a boyfriend. Any one of my gorgeous, perfect best friends and I could meet two guys. Wouldn't it make sense that we each would have an equal chance? Not so! Let's remember...I have NEVER BEEN that girl. The two guys would then proceed to fight over my friend. She would always have the BURDEN of choosing between the two. This was not one person or one occasion...this was EVERY best friend I had in school...and even after.

I have never been the girl that the guy picks. NEVER. I occasionally am the girl who gets the guy....well....after. After my perfect best friend has moved on to a new guy and I am a convenient way to stay close to her. I have also occasionally been the notch on the bedpost. I know I put myself in that position. I've never been the girl who could say no when it came right down to it...I just wanted to have that experience....even if it was fake. So then I became the girl who had a 24 year old married boyfriend for 2 weeks when she was 14 (he told me I would make someone a good wife someday). I became the girl who dated my best friend's ex even though I knew in my heart he was still desperately in love with her and only did it to make her happy (she couldn't be happy with me alone and depressed, he also thought he could get some).

I became the girl who lost her virginity at 16 to a guy who slept with most of the girls at her high school (and sure he was hot, and beautiful, and perfect, and I really thought I loved him more than anything but we barely had a friendship much less a relationship). I became the girl who slept with a friend the next weekend just to make it all "ok" (he would barely talk to me after that, and made it very clear that, while we were still friends, the sex didn't actually mean we were together). The girl who got drunk and slept or hooked up with guys who could barely remember her the next day, or who thought they were with someone else. The girl who even went back and slept with the original guy, but on her "own terms"...as though that made it okay. Later I would become the girl who would go to her Senior Homecoming dance with a guy who had asked EVERY SINGLE OTHER girl in the group and gotten turned down. The same girl who would go to her Senior Prom -dutch- with a freshman going to spy on a girl he liked who was going with a senior. The self-esteem crushing disaster that was my first boy friend (see: An Epiphany). The traumatic, but self-induced, debacle that was my first marriage.

So I have never been the face that launched a thousand ships, or inspired great sonnets, or even a single secret-admirer note. But man, I sure have always been the girl who could collossally destroy any tiny bit of self-esteem with the next willing guy. And, apparently, I was one heck of an appointment secretary for my perfect, beautiful friends. (Of course, I knew them better than anyone and could tell you...they were FAR from perfect).

I have always been the girl who was good for advice...staying up late and talking on the phone for hours. Good for back rubs in the back of the tour bus on choir trips. I may have even been the girl you could let wear your letterman's jacket home after a competition. But man, the next day in the bright sunlight....forget about it. I was always the "Friend". I was always the funny one. I never got to have the experience dating, or being courted. It was something I so desperately (there's that word again!) but never, ever got. I love my husband. He is a good man, who provides well for us and I have very few complaints. I still feel this emptiness of never experiencing what I always thought should be NORMAL.

So I have never been that girl. But I will always be the WOMAN who takes care of her husband and kids when they are sick. Who cleans up messes some women would never touch. I will always be the woman who is willing to go where I am needed in order to keep her family together and happy. I will do laundry, wash dishes, kill spiders, and drive my husband his office keys in the middle of the night. None of the guys who missed out on the amazing girl I actually was may ever regret not making a go of it with me. But I will always be an amazing woman, and I am trying to work out why I did not get to experience these things in this lifetime. Why I didn't get to have a good relationship with my father. How that negatively affected just about every encounter I had with a man from that point on. How the lack of connection colored my judgements and decisions, and how a lot of what I think I missed really is just fiction and unrealistic expectations. I am proud of who I am NOW as a mom and a wife and a friend.

So...I have never been the object of desire but will always be a daughter of God. And hey, I am okay with that.

revelations and realizations...

It's pretty bizarre when you realize that you're not as significant to someone as you thought you were. I mean, you think you've made a connection, but then when you're out of sight, you're out of mind. I suppose alot of that has to do with the fact that I am never any place for very long. Then again there are one or two individuals who have managed to hang on...people who remember birthdays, anniversarys, or just bother to drop a line.

I am feeling very disconnected. I am missing that feeling I had during residency when I figured out that I am only as insignificant as I make myself. I really wish I could remember what happened in that group session. I know I was close to tears most of that day. Maybe I need to get that low again. Right now I just feel a little numb, and kind of...angry, I guess.

My relationship with my husband is not all wine and roses. Jane and Mr. Rochester we are not. We are actually more like that Austen couple, the silly wife and the grumpy husband (can't remember their names right now). But I am married, mostly happily, and not out there in that dating pool. I guess that makes me immune to or unable to understand how someone my age can just dump their friends because they have found someone new.

Where is all my steam? A few seconds ago I was really ticked and now I just feel empty and sad. And wondering, again, where I went wrong. How I failed. I tried to be a good friend. I did my best to listen and not judge. Now I just feel sort of...impotent? It's like the nightmares I have where I am pouring my heart out and crying and pleading and the object of the effort just yawns and walks away. ugh. Pathetic.