Acid

This is the opposite of falling in love. This isn't butterflies...this is swirling, burning, sickening, caustic acid. Why does my mind always come here when he acts this way? I go into survival mode...wondering how much money I can take and how far I can drive before I chicken out and turn back around. I wonder what it will do to my kids...if they will wonder if it is their fault. I wonder what it will do to me? I know that I won't ever want to live with another man. I know that my spirit will just be broken. Even though I know my marriage isn't falling apart because of the church, I am not sure I could keep going...it would just be this constant reminder of how hard I tried to have that kind of marriage and couldn't keep it together. It makes it so much worse when I let down my guard down and whore myself out to him and then he does this. I replay it over and over and over and I don't know exactly where it went wrong. I ask myself what it wrong with my marriage...is he mean, does he beat me? No. Is he lazy, does he refuse to work? No. Does he cheat on me? Not that I know of...if he is he does a really incredible job of hiding it. Maybe it is just that we are both broken. He is so negative...it just drives me crazy. Love covers a multitude of sins...but at what point to agree that we just aren't happy anymore? Was he ever happy? Has he even been happy since he "cleaned" up? I'm done for now...

Negative Creep

Did I really choose this? I mean I understand the whole yin-yang thing...balance in the universe and all that. BUT I LIKE being positive, I LIKE seeing the sunny side, finding the silver lining. Could I really have meant to align myself with the grayest cloud in the sky?

Cold Comfort

Is my anniversary overrated? Are they overrated in general? And even if they are should that make me feel any better that my husband doesn't even bother anymore? I somehow managed to ruin my own mother's day by wanting my husband to go to CA with me. So I didn't get my present...which would have been a desk I suppose (tres romantique, no?) but because of my trip I got nothing NOTHING except for a fight with my husband because I had the audacity to be injured over being forgotten...I at least plan on getting him something because I refuse to stop being myself just because he is insensitive.

Ode to Peonnies

Oh Jaymes where are ya? I am somewhat lost without you here. I got your message. It was a bright spot in my day of traveling between SLC and SGU. I work in the airline industry now I may as well start talking in three letter identifiers, eh? I am so torn. I love it here in Southern Utah, I love this house; the feeling I get here of finally being "home". Still, we are in pretty big trouble. Our funds are quickly dwindling and now he is even contemplating taking a job drving a truck at the mine with his bro in law. It wouldn't be so bad if there wasn't this impending feeling of doom every time he brings it up. Apparently taking this job to pay the bills now means he must "write-off" aviation. I asked him if he will still look for work and he pretty much said no....that this is "it" the "end of the line". Well all I know is that living with him is going to be impossible as soon as the depression hits. It will be a whole new level of depression heretofore unseen. He says his priority is being home every night and providing for the family. His priority has always been to stay in the sky. I guess we will see what's really going to happen...

Am I Really THIS old?

We began the ritual of my eldest's 12th birthday today with the aunts. Manicures and pedicures and then lunch. We managed to have a lot of fun despite the frustration of everyday family issues. Next Saturday we are driving down to lunch and shop with "Bink" and then on her actual birthday I am planning on taking her and a friend for dinner and a movie. I somehow managed to tick off my significant other today and now am being silently punished. I have so much to do and yet if I don't sit right by him it's because "I can't stand being in the same room". Yikes someone save me from the drama!

Owen the Great...

My son turned over last night. He is already 4 months old and we were a little worried he was falling behind since his Native Air compadre had been doing it for weeks. He has been eating solid food for weeks now and has cut two teeth on the bottom in the last week or so (even though his dad can't really see them). I had Pligs in my house last night. It was so funny, the guy was putting in my high speed internet and boy it just seemed to annoy him to no end that I spoke without being spoken too. He prefered to deal with Aaron even though it is my whole deal. He wasn't openly hostile or anything...it was just really obvious. I am also apparently a great plig insulter. We were in the Costco the other day and Aaron said something rude about my daughter and I was going off on him only to look up and see four sister-wives staring daggers into me, the eldest (who I call the "matron" because she is always much older and looks like a grandmother) looked like she might actually pounce should she be given leave by her husband to do so. Fortunatley, no permission was given, and I was able to walk away and live to disprespect my husband another day.

Still in Limbo

Here again we sit and wait to hear if we can go on with our lives. How can people think it's okay to just hold people in this endless limbo? Why does selling a house have to be so stressful? ARGH!

Crazy Days

Oh dear, mercy me. I am so so sick of not knowing where I am going to end up. I am tired of looking at my life inside these plastic buckets. Oh please oh please just let me find some place to just "be".